Episode 175: Surviving the Holidays: Conquering Sabotage and Criticism with Grace

[00:00:00] Welcome back to the Back on Track Achieving Healthy Weight Loss, where I help you get on track and stay on track with your weight loss journey. I'm your host, Dr. Alicia Shelly. So let's get started.

[00:00:13] Hey, welcome to the Back on Track Achieving Healthy Weight Loss podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Alicia Shelly. Now this past week, I was talking to a friend and she was sharing with me how she was not looking forward to Thanksgiving dinner.

[00:00:43] And the reason why was that her mother-in-law will be there and her mother-in-law is this thin.

[00:00:49] And it just so happens that she makes these comments, oh, how's your diet going?

[00:00:56] Mmm, I don't think that medication is working for you. You need to do something else.

[00:01:02] And my friend just wanted to skip the dinner altogether. She just didn't want to be bothered with the criticism from her mother-in-law.

[00:01:10] And she was coming up with every excuse why she was not going to dinner.

[00:01:16] And it made me remember a couple years ago, I was talking to another friend who was telling me how they were not looking forward to Thanksgiving dinner

[00:01:25] because they had family members that were pushing food on them or making comments like,

[00:01:30] really, is that all you're eating? Oh, you should eat more. Take these seconds. Take these thirds.

[00:01:36] It was just they were pushing. They were so pushy.

[00:01:39] And although I know someone's words, someone's actions should not affect us, but it just does. It does.

[00:01:48] And I think for me, it just seeds those seeds of doubt in my mind that maybe there's something I'm not doing right.

[00:01:54] Or maybe she's getting offended because I'm not eating her food. It's just all these emotions and thoughts.

[00:02:00] And so I realized that there are many of you out there are probably in the same boat as myself and my friends.

[00:02:07] And so I wanted to talk about how we can navigate the sabotage and the criticism from loved ones while still staying true to our health goals and what we're trying to do for our health.

[00:02:18] But first, before we get started, let's kind of define what sabotage and criticism looks like.

[00:02:24] So when we think of sabotage, we think of people well-meaning, not trying to sabotage you, but maybe sometimes they're offering you unhealthy food.

[00:02:33] Like they made this nice sweet potato pie and they're like, hey, you want a slice of my sweet potato pie, don't you?

[00:02:41] And they're offering you this or maybe they're like, oh, you know, I made this macaroni and cheese and I stayed up all night to make this.

[00:02:49] And I know you want a second helping. And even though it's not like they're trying to undermine your efforts, but they are undermining your efforts and they're offering you unhealthy foods.

[00:02:59] Doesn't help where they're like, oh, hey, I made these cookies and I want you to have some.

[00:03:04] Also, sometimes when you go to different dinners, people are like saying, oh, you got to get seconds, get thirds.

[00:03:10] Oh, you know what? Take a plate home. And so those are examples of what sabotage looks like.

[00:03:16] Basically, people who are offering you things or kind of pushing things on you, but it doesn't necessarily align to your health goals and what you're trying to do for your body and your health.

[00:03:27] Now, let's think of examples of criticism. And it doesn't have to be your mother-in-law like my friend.

[00:03:34] It could be anybody. It can be your spouse, your kids, your mom, your best friend.

[00:03:39] But sometimes they look at you and they're like, oh, it looks like you've gained some weight or oh, you're getting too thin or oh, you're not eating this food because you're trying to lose weight or what?

[00:03:52] You became a vegetarian. What? So it's just like they make all these small, snide remarks about what you're doing in your lifestyle.

[00:04:01] And I have to admit, there are many reasons why people behave the way they behave.

[00:04:06] There's a lot of psychological reasons. I'm not a psychologist.

[00:04:10] But some of the things that I've noticed was that sometimes people just don't understand your goals.

[00:04:15] They don't understand what you're trying to accomplish for you. And that's OK.

[00:04:20] They don't have to understand. But sometimes people, even if they know you're trying to lose weight or get healthier,

[00:04:27] they sometimes will still sabotage you or still offer you your favorite meal, even though you know you don't want it.

[00:04:35] You're trying to kind of cut back on it. And so sometimes that's one reason they just misunderstand your goals.

[00:04:41] Secondly, sometimes people feel threatened by your change.

[00:04:45] I remember when I had decided to undergo bariatric surgery and I was telling a friend like, yes, this is what I'm going to do.

[00:04:53] And her next comment was, well, I'm not going to do that.

[00:04:57] And I was like, well, no one was telling you to do that or no one was recommending it for you.

[00:05:02] Like I was just telling you what I'm doing. And so sometimes people feel threatened by your change.

[00:05:07] It changes the dynamic of the relationships.

[00:05:09] We look at it sometimes, especially when people lose weight, like in bariatric surgery, 50 percent of people may get divorced and 50 percent of people may get married.

[00:05:21] And the reason being is that it changes the dynamics.

[00:05:24] Sometimes when you lose weight, you have more confidence. You're like, yes, I love how I feel.

[00:05:28] And that other person who was with you because you had low confidence is threatened.

[00:05:34] They're like, oh, she's going to go and sleep around with all these other people.

[00:05:36] And eventually that can erode a relationship and break off.

[00:05:40] And so it's very interesting, the dynamics of weight and that different personality and how it affects.

[00:05:46] And they've been studies looking at this in the bariatric field.

[00:05:49] And the third reason why people behave the way they are, they protect their own insecurities.

[00:05:53] Sometimes people want to be healthier and they're just not able to do what they need to do.

[00:05:58] And so they feel insecure. So they want to like say, hey, I really want this cookie, but I know I shouldn't have it.

[00:06:06] So I'm going to push it on you so I don't eat it.

[00:06:08] Or I wish I could be like you and then more consistent with exercise.

[00:06:12] But since I'm not, hey, here's a sweet potato pie.

[00:06:15] So people have their own insecurities and sometimes they transfer the insecurities to you.

[00:06:21] And they don't even really realize that they're doing it.

[00:06:24] And it's important to recognize these behaviors when they're happening and how they affect you.

[00:06:28] And the only way I would say people can get to us is if we allow them to get to us.

[00:06:35] My friend always says you can't change what people think, what they say or what they do.

[00:06:41] The only thing you can do is change how you respond to them.

[00:06:45] And that's the case with these sabotagers and these critiques, people who are critiquing you.

[00:06:51] Because I can't change what you can do, but I can change how I respond.

[00:06:55] And I have a few suggestions on what you can do to navigate these tricky situations, the sabotage, the criticisms,

[00:07:03] the things that just come out of nowhere and you're like, oh my gosh, now we're having this crucial conversation.

[00:07:09] Then I would say the first suggestion is to set boundaries.

[00:07:13] It's set boundaries.

[00:07:15] It is important to have boundaries in what you allow in your inner circle.

[00:07:19] If you know you are very sensitive to talking about your weight,

[00:07:23] then you let your people around you know that, hey, I'm not talking about it.

[00:07:28] You can think whatever you want to think of it.

[00:07:30] You think I'm too thin.

[00:07:31] You think I'm too big.

[00:07:32] You think I'm just right.

[00:07:33] Doesn't matter.

[00:07:34] I'm not talking about it with you.

[00:07:36] We're not having this conversation.

[00:07:38] So when that critiquer comes up and they're like, oh, I haven't seen in a while.

[00:07:42] Oh my gosh, you gained a few pounds.

[00:07:44] You're like, nope, stop.

[00:07:45] I appreciate your concern, but let's not discuss it.

[00:07:49] Or let's focus on having a good time together.

[00:07:52] Not on what I look like, shall we?

[00:07:54] Thank you.

[00:07:54] And you move on.

[00:07:55] So setting that boundary up front is important.

[00:07:59] I will remind the people too that obesity is a chronic disease.

[00:08:02] And I am on a journey in the ups and downs.

[00:08:05] And that's just where I am.

[00:08:07] And I prefer not to really discuss my weight right now.

[00:08:10] So how are your kids?

[00:08:12] So change the subject really good.

[00:08:14] I'm like, oh, how are those LA Lakers?

[00:08:16] Or how are those Atlanta Hawks doing?

[00:08:18] All right, let's go Atlanta Falcons.

[00:08:20] You know, so whatever the subject is, change it.

[00:08:23] And then, you know, once again, remember, it is not your job to explain your life decisions

[00:08:29] to a family member or a friend that does not pay a bill in your house.

[00:08:34] They do not have a right.

[00:08:36] So don't feel like you have to explain yourself to them if they're like, oh, I seen you getting

[00:08:41] a little bit away.

[00:08:41] Well, guess what happened?

[00:08:43] Da, da, da, da.

[00:08:44] No, no, no, no.

[00:08:44] Just like, yeah, I did.

[00:08:46] Move on.

[00:08:47] Let's talk about something else, you know?

[00:08:49] Thank you for noticing.

[00:08:50] So don't feel like you have to give everybody an explanation.

[00:08:54] And the second thing I would say is it's important to have effective communication.

[00:08:59] So if you don't want to talk about your weight, don't talk about your weight and let your family

[00:09:04] members know.

[00:09:05] I know they mean well, and I know they try to do the best they can.

[00:09:10] They love you.

[00:09:10] They're not trying to sabotage you.

[00:09:12] They're not trying to critique you.

[00:09:14] But sometimes they're just not aware.

[00:09:16] And so you need to have that frank conversation where you're not beating around the bush, but

[00:09:21] you're like, listen, I like the little meme.

[00:09:24] Listen, Linda.

[00:09:26] Listen, here's what we need to do.

[00:09:28] When you come at me and you ask me about my weight and you say that I gained weight or you

[00:09:33] say that I've lost weight, it makes me feel uncomfortable.

[00:09:37] And I would just like to just not talk about my weight with you.

[00:09:41] You can have your own estimations in your mind, but if you cannot bring that up with me, that

[00:09:46] would be great.

[00:09:47] Thank you.

[00:09:48] And can you please agree to that?

[00:09:51] Because sometimes people still forget, but just say, hey, you're making me feel this when

[00:09:56] you said that.

[00:09:57] That may not have been your intention, but I felt this when you said that.

[00:10:02] And so maybe just in the future, we just not talk about my weight or what I'm doing in

[00:10:06] my health journey.

[00:10:07] Thank you.

[00:10:08] And don't feel bad.

[00:10:11] Don't feel bad because you need to put yourself out there.

[00:10:14] You need to have those boundaries.

[00:10:16] And even if this particular family member or friend does not respect your boundaries,

[00:10:20] at least you had that conversation and you can bring it up in the future.

[00:10:23] You're like, yes, I remember about a week ago we talked about not talking about my weight.

[00:10:28] Can we still do that now?

[00:10:29] Like I see you're asking this question.

[00:10:31] I don't really want to talk about it.

[00:10:33] Also address misunderstandings calmly and assertively.

[00:10:37] You don't have to get heated.

[00:10:38] You don't have to raise your voice.

[00:10:40] Like, listen, listen, Bobby, we're not going to be talking about my weight today.

[00:10:45] Okay.

[00:10:45] You can talk about whatever you want to talk about with someone else, but you're not going

[00:10:49] to talk about my weight with me.

[00:10:50] So please and thank you.

[00:10:52] Also remember, emphasize that your choices that you do in your life are not a judgment

[00:10:58] of their lifestyle.

[00:10:59] Yeah.

[00:11:00] It's so funny how people you're like, oh, I'm going to change how I eat.

[00:11:03] And people feel uncomfortable.

[00:11:04] Like, oh, you're not going to get something else.

[00:11:07] You know, like they feel uncomfortable.

[00:11:08] You're like, listen, what I do in my life has nothing to do with you and your lifestyle.

[00:11:12] I am not judging you.

[00:11:13] You're not judging me.

[00:11:14] We're in a safe space.

[00:11:15] Let's move forward.

[00:11:16] And so it's important that you emphasize to them that, hey, I'm not judging you what you

[00:11:20] eat.

[00:11:21] You eat whatever.

[00:11:22] Thirdly, I would say it's important to build a supportive environment.

[00:11:27] Find allies or people you can lean on, especially during this time, because it can get frustrating.

[00:11:33] It can get overwhelming and it can get nerve wracking.

[00:11:36] And sometimes when you are nervous, especially going into an environment like Thanksgiving

[00:11:41] dinner and everyone's invited, it can be overwhelming and it can make you want to emotionally eat

[00:11:47] or in other stuff just to kind of balance it out.

[00:11:50] So find people where you can lean on.

[00:11:53] It's important to stay motivated even in an unsupportive environment.

[00:11:57] Even if your spouse is not really on board with what you're doing, finding ways to stay

[00:12:03] motivated will be key.

[00:12:04] And one way is focusing on why you're trying to lose weight and be more healthier, like

[00:12:10] focusing on why it's important to you.

[00:12:13] So it's important to make sure that you're able to have that why to stay motivated.

[00:12:19] And then next, I would say to stay motivated is to celebrate the small wins privately or

[00:12:25] with supportive friends, people who understand what you're going through.

[00:12:29] I think it's important to write down your non-scale victories.

[00:12:33] Because even if the scale doesn't move, if you notice that your clothes is looser, then

[00:12:38] something's happening.

[00:12:39] You must be gaining muscle because that's occurring.

[00:12:41] So it's important to write down those non-scale victories because we don't think about it.

[00:12:46] I know for me, sometimes I get so hung up in that number on the scale when I should be like,

[00:12:53] hey, I feel good.

[00:12:54] I have more energy.

[00:12:55] I'm able to run faster because I'm now in a more healthier way.

[00:12:59] So it's important that we focus on the wins so that when people do criticize us or try to sabotage us,

[00:13:06] we can be like, listen, I hear what you're saying, but it does not affect me because I'm doing great.

[00:13:11] I am making change in my lifestyle.

[00:13:14] I'm being more healthier.

[00:13:15] Also, it's important to have listeners and people who help you to stay accountable to your goals and your health goals,

[00:13:22] especially outside of those critical circles so that you can be able to come back and be like,

[00:13:26] hey, what do you guys think about this?

[00:13:27] And move forward.

[00:13:28] The next thing, how can we kind of handle those emotional reactions?

[00:13:33] I would say when you are meeting with or you're in that environment and somebody's giving you a negative comment,

[00:13:39] you can just respond with grace or humor, make a joke about it and then move on.

[00:13:44] And then also if they're just keep going, going, they haven't listened to you when you've been effectively communicating,

[00:13:50] you try to set boundaries with them and they are just out of pocket, walk away, disengage.

[00:13:57] It does not matter.

[00:13:58] You're like, listen, I'm going to go stand over here and go to the bathroom real quick.

[00:14:02] Or, oh, let me go to my car for something else.

[00:14:04] Just get out of the room and just de-escalate yourself because sometimes there will be people that want to push your buttons.

[00:14:11] They don't have much going on and they are just wanting to nitpick, nitpick, nitpick.

[00:14:16] You don't have to listen to it.

[00:14:18] You're an adult.

[00:14:19] You can leave.

[00:14:21] You could be like, oh, I got to go to the store.

[00:14:23] I'll be back to pick y'all up here in an hour and go sit somewhere and enjoy yourself.

[00:14:28] You can get out of that situation.

[00:14:30] You do not have to stay in a situation where you're feeling that you're being bullied

[00:14:34] or that you're feeling that they're just overly critiquing you.

[00:14:37] Also, it's important to manage your own emotions during these times.

[00:14:41] It's important to have some self-compassion for yourself and not have that internalizing

[00:14:47] criticism because we do.

[00:14:48] We eat a cookie and we're like, oh my gosh, I can't believe I ate this cookie.

[00:14:52] It's the end of the world.

[00:14:54] And sometimes you need to give yourself some grace and some self-compassion.

[00:14:58] And it is helpful to managing these emotions by using tools like journaling, mindfulness,

[00:15:05] even talking to a therapist to process the difficult emotions.

[00:15:08] Because sometimes when it comes to eating, these things didn't start overnight.

[00:15:12] These are things that may have been happening over years, especially in families.

[00:15:16] I remember I had one friend that it was so uncomfortable eating with her family because

[00:15:22] of how they were judging her that she ended up, even as a teenager, eating in her room.

[00:15:28] And it's still something she does today.

[00:15:30] She doesn't like to eat out in the open.

[00:15:31] So it's important that we manage our own emotions and that we have support to help us through

[00:15:37] the difficult emotions.

[00:15:39] And some other practical tips that we can use for staying on track is bringing our own

[00:15:44] food to gatherings.

[00:15:45] Politely saying, no thank you.

[00:15:47] Moving on.

[00:15:49] And having preset plans for dealing with temptations or emotional eating triggers that can happen.

[00:15:53] And then also remember, it's about focusing on the progress, not perfection, because none

[00:15:58] of us are perfect.

[00:15:59] None of us are perfect.

[00:16:00] And so it's important to have more progress in seeing that change.

[00:16:04] Well, I thank you all so much for spending a few minutes with me as we talk about how

[00:16:08] to overcome and survive the criticism and the criticism and sabotage from our loved ones while

[00:16:16] staying true to our health goals.

[00:16:18] I appreciate you all for joining us today.

[00:16:20] If you like this episode, please share it with others.

[00:16:23] Like it and subscribe.

[00:16:24] And don't forget to leave a five-star review.

[00:16:26] And we will see you all next time.